Clash of the Titans OR As The Fur Flies!!!

Happy Friday gang!!! Had my typical Thursday meeting marathon with a couple extra thrown in for good measure. While driving to the side job last night got some bad news on the commutermobile. It seems the initial $419.50 didn’t go deep enough into the bowels of the AC & to get it fixed is now actually going to cost another $414 just in parts so guess Griz is gonna keep driving hot a while longer GRRR!!! Shortly thereafter though had a great phone call with a dear friend that just made my day! Have you ever just chatted with someone & hearing happy in their voice just melts your aggravation away?!?!? Unbelievably awesome!!!

Got to the side job & worked LATE on some parts designed by some buffoon who’s OBVIOUSLY never made or even worked on anything beyond the world of theory & CAD! It should be against the law to let educated idiots design anything that they have NO IDEA how to produce! Unreal!!! This instrument has 28 components, many moving, and given it’s range of motion & the leverage involved with the design it will fail during its first use, no doubt! They’ve done the math, ran the numbers, done the CAD finite element & stress analysis stating it’s good to go so we’re building them a pair to print then when it breaks, and it WILL!, we’ll offer to make one the same only different that works & they’ll end up paying for the parts twice AND the design consulting fee rather than just listening up front for free & buying the first set that work & last! We’re SOOO sure it’ll fail we’re making 4 of each component that will work but only their ordered 2 of the bad parts LOL! Got home, cleaned up & crashed for 5 hours. Awoke REALLY slowly, dragging tail for the first 30 minutes.

Downed my morning lean protein (2 hard boiled eggs) & a Monster Rehab low carb lemon energy tea on my way out the door then downed a quart of XTend drink on the way to the gym for leg day, usually my favorite which also helped “kick” things off! That’s when Griz collided with Helga in her house of pain & the fur started flying!!!

Got my locker situated then mounted an upright lifecycle for a 60 calorie HIIT warm up cardio session then hit the iron arena for the following leg work:

Calf / Ankle press, 500 LBs for 9 reps then 11 more, then 13 more wrapping up with a final 7

Incline leg press sled, 500 LBs for 9+11+13+7

Seated leg curls, 150 LBs for 9+11+13+7

Standing glute kickbacks, 150 LBs for 24 left leg, 24 right leg, 16 left leg, 16 right leg

Hobbled over to the dreadmill for 100 calorie HIIT hill climb / stretch fest

Standing glute kickbacks, 150 LBs for 24 left leg, 24 right leg, 16 left leg, 16 right leg

Seated leg curls, 150 LBs for 9+11+13+7

Incline leg press sled, 500 LBs for 9+11+13+7

Calf / Ankle press, 500 LBs for 9 reps then 11 more, then 13 more wrapping up with a final 7

Gimped back over to the Lifecycle for a final 60 calorie cool down dropping from 90% maximum recommended pulse rate back to 75%

Man the pump was good! Legs & lungs where on fire & the sweat was ROLLING! Grabbed a quick hot shower followed by a nearly ice cold rinse, changed & headed for the day job.

Hit the road in THE VERY BEST mood I’ve experienced in weeks, if not months! The enjoyable phone call from last night followed by an AWESOME leg fest where everything just felt RIGHT for once set this Friday off in the stratosphere!!!

I’ve got a shoulder follow up with the orthodoc this afternoon so taking a half day at the day job & by golly I’m taking the night off from the side job too, grabbing dinner & a movie somewhere. I’m thinking Genghis Grille, a Mongolian hibachi affair where you pick your poison; meats, veggies, spices, sauces & starch, then they fix it on a giant circular flattop manned by about 6 or 8 cooks each having their triangular slice of the grill! It’s coo!!!! Probably going to check out the final Harry Potter flick tonight too. I hadn’t seen any of’em until I think the 4^th one came out then I borrowed the DVDs from a pal to catch up & have enjoyed them as a decent “escape from reality” kind of experience ever since. When I was in Jr High School I’d read all of J.R.R. Tolkien’s works & loved the Lord of the Rings series of movies when they came out, even though they’re each horribly long, so Harry Potter isn’t a horrendous stretch. I remember when the Harry Potter flicks first came out there was such a big stink about Wicken & leading kids to Satanism, witchcraft & sorcery but I’m sorry, if you’re SOOO weak minded that you can’t enjoy a fiction fantasy flick without getting all twisted about it you probably better just stay home & for heaven’s sake NEVER turn on a TV or play a video game then either!!!

Rock on pals! I’m hoping to nurse this excellent attitude as long as possible even though there’s a MEAN thunderstorm raging outside & I have another meet up with Doc Ming & his Magic Needles first AM tomorrow I’m thinking there’s hope for a SOLID weekend, side job work & all LOL!

The Five Year Plan

You hear folks speak of it all the time. Business people, bankers, investors, etc. You also hear regular folks like us talking about them, especially if they’re raising kids & trying to overcome the microwave / instant gratification attitude of today’s society, trying to get their kids to think about life & what they want to be when they grow up.

As for me…I’ve had several 5 year plans, let’s face it I’m kinda old LOL! The first official one I put on paper was about the time my first born entered the world, I was 21. OH, it was grand! Work full time & get off the CNC machines into CNC programming, acquire my Associate’s degree (yeah, I know. Kinda had things outta order early on), buy a house, ride my motorcycle all over the country, lead my family to prosperity & happiness, obviously I’m paraphrasing!

Second five year plan; finish my Associate’s degree (man it’s a pain finding classes that fit around working full time), raise my 2 boys who were then 5 & 3 ½, get out of CNC programming into engineering or production management, take an awesome vacation somewhere in the family sedan since I had to sell my motorcycle because the wife was afraid to risk raising our boys alone, buy a real house not a trailer, lead my family to prosperity & happiness.

Whew, what a haul! My third 5 year plan; acquire my Bachelor’s degree while working full time, get out of engineering into engineering management, help my sons develop healthy interests, buy a real house (man this trailer’s too small) keep my kids from killing each other, keep my hair but lose this lousy belly I’m acquiring!

My fourth 5 year plan; acquire my Master’s degree while working fulltime, quit working 60-80 hours a week & get away from manufacturing production & its politics, build a new house in the country (WTH did I buy this dinky house in town with 2 boys?!?!?), having been an only child figure out why my kids can’t even leave each other alone let alone get along, help run the county’s 4H Shooting Sports program teaching everybody’s kids firearm safety & a love of the outdoors, help run the Northern Indiana conservation camp for kids furthering their love of the outdoors safely, charter & chair the county’s FNRA banquet (think Ducks Unlimited for firearm safety), teach NRA handgun & personal protection courses as well as teach & certify other qualified / interested parties to do the same, remember who I married & figure out when the aliens swapped in this different copy & finally, once & for all, figure out why this 5 year plan deal just doesn’t work!

My fifth 5 year plan; buy another motorcycle now that the kids are grown & survive to retirement somehow, somewhere!

Well guess what! My oldest turned 25 the end of this March. Guess what that means?!?!? Time for a new 5 year plan but for any of you who’ve followed Griz’s adventures already know…March was NO time for planning ANYTHING. It was a time of figuring out WTH all has gone wrong, how & eventually why! Still not exactly sure what I want to be when I grow up (actually not even sure I want to grow up anymore LOL). I finally have my Master’s degree & a decent paying day job (that I hate since being reassigned) flying a desk no & longer directly involved with manufacturing but rather in sourcing engineering & supplier quality all while working a side job 30-40+ hours nights & weekends back running CNC machines realizing how much I’ve missed the hands on “making things”, gave up figuring out that whole alien thing, pretty much lost the fire for teaching firearms courses to anybody, leasing a house, bought & sold a cool motorcycle in 2009 since half of Memphians are basically morons behind the wheel, basically hating life most of the time, still trying to shed this mid life surplus body I’ve acquired over the years, cut my hair short enough it almost doesn’t need to fall out anymore mostly due to the machine oil I work with, uhmmmmm…guess this is what I’ve always heard called mid life crisis LOL!

But there is still a shred of hope. I’m haggling with the night job owners trying to slide into a director’s role there that will still allow me to work on the machines while managing production & teaching new guys while hopefully getting back down to 60ish hours a week maybe, still really want another motorcycle someday but one set up to really travel getting away from Memphis every chance I get, but for now I’m putting this entire 5 year plan deal on hold. The way I’ve been going the past few months I’m doing good to develop & execute an effective 5 day plan so just focusing on getting through each week, trying to figure out when, where & why everything all went to shiz, THEN maybe I can begin to focus on an effective new plan but there’s no use worrying about that for now. Not until I can figure out how & why I always manage to screw’em up!

For now I just have to realize life happens & just go with the flow. There is one thing I do know though!!! I need a freaking break! Been planning to attend a beach fest in Florida with some crazy online friends in October & also considering getting the heck away from everything for the week from Christmas til new Years on a cruise but I can tell the way everything’s been grating on that last raw nerve lately that October is entirely too far away! Considering both jobs, July 3^rd was the only full day off (working neither job) in 3 or 4 months as I was even machining parts at the side job July 4^th. Labor Day is coming soon & September is even one of those cool extra payday months so something’s gotta give. Griz needs a break of some sort, some place, before I end up tearing some poor unsuspecting soul’s head off for finally snapping that last raw nerve!

I have at least recently developed a new slogan / motto that I’m trying to live each day by, one which I hope goes on my headstone someday. Work hard, train hard, play hard & love deeply! Most days I manage to hover somewhere a little over 3 outta 4, just not always the same 3 LOL! Not too bad considering…

Rock on pals!

YEP! I’ve decided!!!

Happy Monday gang, WAIT!!! Mondays blow! Happy August!!! I decided to head downtown for a break Friday night & had a great time! Won a couple CDs & a couple free frozen drinks playing “Name that tune” with the Eric Hughes band at Wet Willies after having been a good boy & passing on the Mai Tai at BB Kings with my grilled salmon & shrimp dinner while enjoying the Will Tucker Band. Eric Hughes is just a good ol’boy who LOVES the blues. Dude plays a wide array of music & instruments & the rest of his band has as much fun watching him carry on as the crowd! Will Tucker is also an amazing performer. This kid is only 17 years old but MAN can he sing & play a guitar like CRAZY! What’s funny is that being a minor, his dad has to come to the shows with him so he can even get in LOL! Stopped in at Rum Boogie Café nearing Midnight for an unsweetened iced tea & a few songs from Patrick Dodd on the way back to the parking garage. Check him out on YouTube! He isn’t blind but watching him perform you would almost think he is as he gets into the music SOOO deeply that his facial expressions & mannerisms lead you to believe he looses himself totally in the music but his performances are amazing!

Anyhow, visitied Doc Ming & his magic acupuncture needles first AM Saturday again & when he hooked up the electro stimulator he flipped a switch wrong & I SWEAR he was trying to electrocute me!!! Afterwards grabbed a quick bite of brunch, headed to the side job & worked way later than expected machining some extremely difficult surgical instruments needed by mid week. Sunday is normally one of two leg days weekly but given the need for those instruments I headed straight for the shop & spent all day finishing them up then celebrated on the way home with one last Megarita at MiPueblo’s with some grilled chicken, brown rice & queso cheese. I had been avoiding alcohol nearly altogether since early 2007 but the personal swirl & lack of sleep early of this year has found me partaking about once a week just to tranquilize the Griz’s brain into at least one long hard night’s sleep & occasionally it’s been a couple times in a week depending on the events & stress level of the week.

Well, revisiting everything fitness related, trying to get progress back underway, especially given the October 7^th BodyBuilding.com Panama City Beachfest goal, Sunday’s Megarita was a farewell to alcohol once again until PCB in hopes of reigniting the furnace. I realize “All things in moderation” are supposedly fine (all things legal anyhow) & the alcohol itself isn’t REALLY all that bad but since Griz doesn’t like anything bitter or sour, the flavors required to go along with the alcohol usually involve WAY too much sugar especially in the PM so for now it’s just better to use the “Just Say NO!” attitude for a couple months as a tool towards progress. Also, per trainer Sam, Doc Ming, Marine & others, I’m focusing in on sugars & simple carbs, especially past Noon, as being evil derailleurs of progress. It’s been one of those deals where, yeah, I know they’re bad but just a little here & there’s okay…WRONG! As Al has been saying for months, diet is 80%+ of the progress & as Marine has said 100+ times, you simply can’t out train a bad diet so time to focus additional intensity there.

Just picked up my XTEND drink supplement this weekend & have begun replacing daytime fluid intake with that, working towards 1 gallon per day BUT I have to admit their dosing seems NUTS! I ordered the “New Formula” so I’m not sure how it compares with the original but they say 1 scoop (smallish scoop) per 8 Oz of water but 2 scoops is PLENTY (flavor wise) for 32 OZs so I’ve settled on 10 scoops per gallon instead of the recommended 16 & we’ll see how it goes. I downed 32 OZs of GRAPE with my 2 boiled eggs this early AM (loved the flavor) 30 minutes prior to 240 HIIT cardio calories wrapped around 72,600 LBs of core iron, then had 26 OZ of Dymatize Elite XT protein immediately following. Working on my 2^nd quart of XTEND now (Blue Raspberry which is GOOD!) & getting ready for some baked chicken & brown rice in a few followed by some SPICY ground sirloin jambalaya & quart #3 (Watermelon, yet untasted) mid afternoon then 6 OZs of tuna & drained Rotel with the 4^th quart early evening (Grape again) at the side job by 7PM.

Since receiving the great feedback about ZMA naturally aiding in sleep & seeing the Isatori IsaTest I’ve been taking across the day has it, I’ve been taking all 4 caps about 30 minutes pre-snooze time instead & I must say it seems to be improving the quality of sleep & even to some extent the quantity seems improved as well but I’m crediting that part to the SLOW process of nailing a lid on the personal swirl that’s been driving me nucking futs most of this year.

Have to admit that’s all still FAR from in the past but at least I don’t hear the train whistle EVERY time I see a light at the end of the tunnel these days…just once in a while LOL! I had been focusing on burning through the summer, with PCB as a break then shooting for a cruise from Christmas until New Years (both of which still may occur) but this weekend, I’VE DECIDED!!! Griz needs a break!!! Something, somewhere, sometime this summer, sooner rather than later. There’s an AWESOME blues & rock event over in the Ozarks, in conjunction with the 2^nd largest motorcycle rally in the U.S. (2^nd only to Sturgis in sheer numbers) & an awesome hot rod show but it turns out this year they’ve moved that to an end of summer festival THE weekend before PCB so that won’t work. Gotta find something sooner, maybe Labor dayish, somewhere within reasonable driving distance from Memphis to just get away, even if just for a long weekend, so Google is gonna be my new best friend for a couple days unless y’all know of something! Anything involving rock or blues, motorcycles or hot rods, fresh air, whatever! I’m open for suggestions! Meanwhile, rock on pals!!! Summertime’s slipping away; make sure to grab a slice of life before it passes by!

Of Friendship, Patience, Courage & Hollow Points

Of Friendship, Patience, Courage & Hollow Points

OMG, what an evening at the side job. I've always said God has a plan & that everything happens for a reason & last night both tested & proved that for me as I believe I was EXACTLY who & where God intended for me to be & I'll NEVER doubt the strength & courage God will provide when you're willing to step up.

Clocked in & everyone was on pins & needles which is totally out of character for this bunch. Finally the bookkeeper lady came over to bring me up to speed on events of the day. One of MMS’ 4 primary owners had been screaming on his cell phone with his soon to be ex-wife most of the afternoon. They’ve been separated about 3 months & prepping for a divorce battle, which in MS is truly just that…a battle. In MS if EITHER party contests the divorce it can last months in court & cost into 6 figures just in legal & attorney fees but since the shop is technically carrying $2.5 million in capital debt these days she’s gotten past contesting anything. He’s been married to this gal for 16 years & she brought 2 little kids with her into the marriage. The daughter, now 20, has been a constant catalyst in the events leading up to the divorce, constantly pitting her mom against my pal & both of them against her biological dad who’s had next to nothing to do with her most of her life except when she’d stir things up, often with lies. Now at age 20, she’s got 2 little babies of her own from a boyfriend who wants nothing to do with her, outside of the bedroom, so my pal has been basically her dad & her baby’s dad too, the oldest being 18 months old. Drama queen step daughter yesterday threw some sort of tantrum with her mother severe enough that her mom was in the process of throwing her out of the house, babies & all, so while in her bedroom packing she decided to stir things up & posted on her Facebook wall some sort of garbage either about her biological dad or the baby daddy, not exactly sure, having in some manner molested her 18 month old baby causing all of this ruckus, totally unproven & supposedly completely unfounded. Well, news of this post somehow reached my pal who proceeded to call his soon to be ex to find out WTH was going on & things just escalated from there until the daughter locked herself in her room & OD’d on her mom’s nerve meds bringing, the sheriffs & EMTs followed shortly by Department of Health folks to remove the babies from the home since in MS grandparents have zero rights unless the parent gives up custody through formal adoption. Now pal knows drama queen’s patterns but still believes enough of the posting to have it in his mind that if nothing else one of those men has caused this entire mess & he’s decided it’s up to him to put a stop to this once & for all.

For years up North I taught hunter & firearms safety courses, tactical personal protection courses & concealed carry courses but last night was the first time I’ve ever faced a firearm first hand & unarmed no less, but in this case that was a good thing. I knew my pal was being controlled by rage & years of frustration but through the streaming tears of his pain & rage I could see the love of a dad & grandpa desperately seeking a solution & I just stood my ground, noticing the very distinctly recognizable serrated brass jackets of Remington’s .357 Magnum Golden Saber hollow points staring back at me. We spoke for what seemed an eternity of those babies not asking for any of this & eventually it boiled down to the divorce & horrible upbringing he’d endured as a child & the fact that he wasn’t standing by, watching his grandbabies go through it too. I was eventually able to get him to see the long term, which if this course of action continued  he would most likely never see those grandbabies again & if he did it’d either be through prison bars or visitation glass if ever at all.

That long barreled revolver is now safely locked in the bottom drawer of my tool box for safe keeping & the drama queen appears to be physically okay as they got her stomach pumped in time but the emotional scars of yesterday will last many people a lifetime.

If you’ve followed Griz’s roller coaster tale of the past year you know I’ve experienced many of my most euphoric moments of pure happiness in my life as well as a few of its darkest moments of emotional despair but last evening has added an entirely new perspective that things in fact could be MUCH worse in my life & have REALLY given me an entirely new & increased appreciation for all the good things I’ve experienced, many of which flashed through my mind last evening & continued to replay during a mostly sleepless night.

Still managed to hit Helga’s for a round of back, shoulders & biceps this AM leading into my typical Thursday marathon of day job meetings but one thing I can promise anyone who cares…life is WAY too short to live miserable & one way or another I intend to find a path to happiness REGARDLESS of where it leads.

Sweating Like A Young Bull In The Castration Line Today!

HAPPY HUMPDAY!~!~!

Ended up working later than usual last night at the side job on yet another order of these crazy laboratory grade surgical instruments. These things have tolerances on them so tight they are nearly impossible to produce consistently within specification. The tolerance we are given is measured in microns which is basically taking 1 inch, dividing it into exactly 1 million even parts then you are allowed to use 39 of those 1 million parts, thicker or thinner than perfect, on a really nasty grade of stainless steel OH, BTW once they’re machined they must be heat treated then electro polished to remove the heat treat impurities & end up within tolerance! I REALLY want some of what these guys are smoking down in Houston that came up with this requirement!!! Good news is that we’ve got a couple really good machines to make’em on & the only visual inspection gauge that’s calibrated & validated within a 3 state area to measure them so it’s not like we’ve got a lot of competitors trying to eat our lunch on these parts LOL!

Got home & unwound into a nice 5 hour nap filled with goofy, actually almost entertaining, dreams last night. Oh! BTW, thanks for the heads up on the ZMA Marine! Turns out the Isatori IsaTest I began utilizing about a month ago already carries a full load on board so given your recommendation about ZMA aiding ZZZs I’ve stopped spreading the 4 caps across the day, downing them all as soon as I walk in the door at night so they can kick in by rack time & it seems to be working, along with 15Mg of Melatonin that is! Isatori talks about splitting the load, but only address PM workouts, so when I emailed them about AM workouts & dose timing their reply was basically whatever works for you, go for it! Not the most confidence inspiring customer service event in memory but fairly typical.

Arose this AM knowing it was gonna be a killer high rep, bone burning, leg day so downed the lean protein & since my Xtend won’t arrive until tomorrow chugged a 16OZ low sugar Monster Rehab energy drink for a swift kick in the starter, washing down the boiled eggs on my way out the door. Saw an AWESOME morning sky JUST coming ablaze & had to stop & shoot a picture then mounted the commuermobile & off we went!

Hit Helga’s House of Pain, spent 7 minutes pedaling an upright bike set on its fat burning program, getting the blood flowing & starting the HIIT cycle. Next on the hit parade was calf press performed on the incline leg press station. Stretched out my lacking Achilles tendons, set the palte stack, buried my heels in the platen, came to full stroke, repositioned my feet so just my toes & the balls of my feet caught the diamond plate & cranked out 20 calf stroking ankle stretching reps then stopping at the bottom with the ankles in FULL stretch for 20 seconds, cranked out another 20 Reps again stopping at full stretch for another 20 then lowered clear back down for dismount. Luckily the steel tube frame work of this rig makes for a nice assist grab on exit or I’d have to roll off on the floor after that set LOL! Stetch out the legs, grab my spreadsheet, check off the set, chug some water & stride over to the leg curl station. Set the plate stack, the seat & leg pad positions, mount & crank out 20, rest for 20, crank out 20 more, dismount, bend over & stretch! Hmmm, is it getting dark in here? I’ve heard of the bed spins but gym spins…okay, time to stop stretching bent over LOL! Grab my water bottle & chug, check off the set & stroll, okay hobble, over to the Dreadmill for a 7 minute journey across it’s fat burning program’s hill climb event & have it tell me I’ve already attained the appropriate cardio heart rate for my age upon starting, do I wish to slow the pace? NO! Rock on! Added another 20 beats per minute to the pulse by the end of 7 minutes then repeated calves, leg curls, then wrapped it all up with a 2^nd 7 minutes on the bike, bringing it all home after 45 minutes total & 320 HIIT cardio calories all wrapped around 84,400 LBs of Helga’s iron, sweating like a young bull in the castration line!

Heading in to pre-flight the desk, clear diagonally across the Memphis metro, Elvis kicked in with “Burnin’ Love” on the morning radio & I couldn’t help laughing, thinking how my temp had been rising & chest was heaving this morning too but for me it wasn’t courtesy of some passionate hottie but was instead all courtesy of my iron mistress, Helga LMAO!!!

BTW, In case I’ve not explained why I call our local ATC gym Helga’s House of Pain, it’s a reference to Rock Hound’s comment to the NASA gal as she’s strapping him into the space shuttle just prior to launch in the Bruce Willis flick Armageddon but it just seems SOOO appropriate when comparing ATC & it’s array of equipment with the workplace country club gym I’d been attending over the past year.

Rock on pals!

Burnin' Love

POSTSCRIPT...Life, Chapter 13 "Work Hard, Train Hard, Play Hard & Love Deeply!"

Happy Tuesday! HERE COMES HUMP DAY!!!

Hoping to be getting back to a more consistent rhythm in life here shortly but time’ll tell. Backing away from Facebook for a bit, (for those of you who’ve been pulling double duty with the Griz) trying to simplify life some & trim the personal swirl generation issues outta my life, FB being one of the worst. I believe I'm finally coming to grips on a middle grounds as friends with Sugar bear as she is a great person & an amazing lady who I can't imagine loosing touch with. That WOULD drive me crazy, wondering how she was doing LOL!

ANYHOW! Hit Helga’s House of Pain early AM Sunday for a quad & glute blowout then did chest, shoulders & TRIs yesterday followed by an intense core grind enveloped by varied exercise HIIT cardio sessions before, mid & after today!

I’m taking this week, per trainer Sam’s advice & running all high rep, lower weights, after last week’s PUSH challenge grindfest. Still can’t believe I got beat by not 1 but 2 girls LOL!!! I don’t mind getting smoked by competitor Capital Jay but getting PUSHed aside by 1/3 of the gals competing is a beast of a blow to the ol’psyche LMBO! Time to step it up a notch or 13!!!

Tomorrow is supposed to be hammies & calves then back, shoulders & BIs Thursday & core / cardio once more to wrap up the 6 day training week. Things are still crazy on the work front too, 82 hours worth last week! The side job keeps growing & getting busier which is a good thing as I’m still haggling with’em, trying to make that my full time+ gig so I can stop commuting clear across the Memphis metro daily to fly a desk I’ve come to loathe. Once again, time’ll tell.

Trying to continue working on my patience as that’s proven to be a large part of my inability to handle the personal swirl, striving for resolution on issues more quickly than life allows.

Believe it or not, JRs mom has actually been striving to bridge the gap, chasm actually, that was created over the past 10 to 15 dead years of our marriage, is finally wanting to talk about all that went wrong & every now & then trying to throw a patch over a "convenient" hole here or there but that road is still L*O*N*G & full of many "inconvenient" holes. I do believe her recent false positive scare with breast cancer, along with her repeating degenerative disk spinal problems, have her finally realizing the material crap she’s always focused on isn’t nearly as important as maybe having someone to share it with after all but we still have LOTS of issues to work on that I really struggle seeing her tackling willingly but there’s that need for patience once again.

I fully expected to be celebrating July 4^th as a VERY different kind of Independence Day this year but when things fell apart, blew up actually, with Sugar Bear back in Feb I kind of lost all hope for that & then about a month ago when the docs thought JRs mom had bilateral breast lumps right as she was beginning treatment on her thoracic spinal degeneration she kinda freaked & woke up I guess. I was there for her already as moral support & she honestly does seem to want to try & make amends. I’ve just got nearly a decade & a half worth of cynicism to overcome. Tigers just don’t change their stripes easily so I’m taking it one battle at a time but trying to keep the iron as my consistent companion while perfecting & inducing the anal cranial inversion device & refocus on some sort of a future that isn’t pitch dark after all.

I guess the one thing February’s blow up with Sugar Bear taught me, if nothing else, is that no matter how damn hard you try, desire, dream or wish …one person can NOT hold up both ends of a relationship once it’s gone & that’s what I’d been doing for nearly 15 of 25 years with JRs mom but now I see it just doesn’t work, can’t work. Just like a near utter failure on bench press…if both sides aren’t pulling their load (okay PUSHing)...well…it’s not gonna be pretty & in relationships there just aren’t any spotters allowed so your soul is just gonna get crushed SOOO stretch, prepare & don’t bite off more than you can chew!

Rock on pals! Work hard, train hard, play hard & love deeply...that's what I want on my headstone...one day LOL!

Why Am I Talking To Myself??? Guess Mom Was Right! Griz, signing off…

When I was young, I was never little; my mom always teased my dad that talking to himself was the first sign of insanity. Guess she was right! Funny thing is, in this generation they say it’s good for you as long as you do it online & call it a Blog! It’s supposed to be soul cleansing!!!

I’ve recently been accused (diagnosed would be a better term) of having an incessant need to communicate, especially about problems. Now to me, the accused, this seems utterly insane! If there ARE problems…sticking our damn heads in the sand doesn’t fix anything…IT NEVER HAS! They just fester or get bigger / worse. But when I need to know what’s gone wrong, or want to discuss how to fix what’s wrong I’m either (A) ignored (which REALLY pisses me off) or (B) told it doesn’t matter & to let it go (which makes me crazier since I don’t KNOW what’s really wrong) or (C) told I’m over reacting, that it’s no big deal, stop trying so hard or over analyzing things. Yep! Mom was right! Apparently I’m nucking futs!

Now, “bear” with me on this one. Griz has been a machinist & engineer since 1985, analyzing designs for manufacturability, analyzing blueprints to develop machining & finishing processes, analyzing processes for productivity improvements, analyzing failure modes to improve efficiency & reduce scrap. This is what I do & how I’m wired & I primarily thank (and blame) my dad for it! NOW HOLD ON!!! I’m not going all Freudian on ya here! Dad was a maintenance tech, fixing everything from automation systems, sound systems & electronics in general to boiler systems & rewiring houses & buildings so I grew up being his gopher, watching him analyze problems & fix them. I also grew up under his stern demeanor that you’ll NEVER be a man unless you admit when you’re wrong & learn from your mistakes, especially when your mistakes cause another person hurt, pain, angst or anxiety so, again, this is why I am who I am & how I’m wired clear to my soul.

A couple weeks ago I Blogged (talked to myself online LOL!) about having had a painful realization that was hopefully going to lead to personal improvement on my part by allowing some closure on relationship failures of my recent past. Then this week I’ve mentioned how I spent some hours playing counselor (bartender without booze) to my new friend & occasional fitness trainer Sam. Now having revisited my personal demons (issues) while trying to help him realize we live in a world that seems to be run by Murphy’s Law & help him to know he’s NOT alone has really caused me to go through another round of personal introspection & that’s relit the fires that were recently, at least momentarily, put out. You see, when I discovered those recent painful realizations I was at what I would consider to be one of my deepest, darkest, saddest, lowest, personal moments in adult memory & I electronically shared the outcome of that realization across the miles with the one other person closest to the situation asking ONLY for confirmation that I had been understood, not expecting feedback on the decisions or realizations ONLY wishing to know my soul had been heard…crickets…about a week later, just in case the email got lost in the wire or lost amongst a hundred others, I resent it explaining why & just asking for simple confirmation that it had been read…again…crickets.

Am I crazy here? My soul hit personal bottom, seemed as such anyhow, & I bare my soul asking only to know I’ve been understood, not seeking discussion, agreement or anything further & the feedback is zero. A couple weeks later after my evening with Sam & following night on Insomnia Island I sent an IM, just kinda opening my heart one last time, & after a day or two with no response of any kind just happened to casually mention the message in a text conversation to which the reply was I’ll have to check, haven’t been in there for awhile…a couple days later now…again…crickets. Is my need, or simply desire, for feedback incessant? Apparently so, especially considering I’ve written these Blogs for months now which have generated all of 3 comments total from anyone other than myself (thanks to those who’ve commented). Guess mom was right…I must be nuts!

Rock on pals & have a GREAT weekend!!!

Your crazy Memphis pal Griz, signing off.