When I was young, I was never little; my mom always teased my dad that talking to himself was the first sign of insanity. Guess she was right! Funny thing is, in this generation they say it’s good for you as long as you do it online & call it a Blog! It’s supposed to be soul cleansing!!!
I’ve recently been accused (diagnosed would be a better term) of having an incessant need to communicate, especially about problems. Now to me, the accused, this seems utterly insane! If there ARE problems…sticking our damn heads in the sand doesn’t fix anything…IT NEVER HAS! They just fester or get bigger / worse. But when I need to know what’s gone wrong, or want to discuss how to fix what’s wrong I’m either (A) ignored (which REALLY pisses me off) or (B) told it doesn’t matter & to let it go (which makes me crazier since I don’t KNOW what’s really wrong) or (C) told I’m over reacting, that it’s no big deal, stop trying so hard or over analyzing things. Yep! Mom was right! Apparently I’m nucking futs!
Now, “bear” with me on this one. Griz has been a machinist & engineer since 1985, analyzing designs for manufacturability, analyzing blueprints to develop machining & finishing processes, analyzing processes for productivity improvements, analyzing failure modes to improve efficiency & reduce scrap. This is what I do & how I’m wired & I primarily thank (and blame) my dad for it! NOW HOLD ON!!! I’m not going all Freudian on ya here! Dad was a maintenance tech, fixing everything from automation systems, sound systems & electronics in general to boiler systems & rewiring houses & buildings so I grew up being his gopher, watching him analyze problems & fix them. I also grew up under his stern demeanor that you’ll NEVER be a man unless you admit when you’re wrong & learn from your mistakes, especially when your mistakes cause another person hurt, pain, angst or anxiety so, again, this is why I am who I am & how I’m wired clear to my soul.
A couple weeks ago I Blogged (talked to myself online LOL!) about having had a painful realization that was hopefully going to lead to personal improvement on my part by allowing some closure on relationship failures of my recent past. Then this week I’ve mentioned how I spent some hours playing counselor (bartender without booze) to my new friend & occasional fitness trainer Sam. Now having revisited my personal demons (issues) while trying to help him realize we live in a world that seems to be run by Murphy’s Law & help him to know he’s NOT alone has really caused me to go through another round of personal introspection & that’s relit the fires that were recently, at least momentarily, put out. You see, when I discovered those recent painful realizations I was at what I would consider to be one of my deepest, darkest, saddest, lowest, personal moments in adult memory & I electronically shared the outcome of that realization across the miles with the one other person closest to the situation asking ONLY for confirmation that I had been understood, not expecting feedback on the decisions or realizations ONLY wishing to know my soul had been heard…crickets…about a week later, just in case the email got lost in the wire or lost amongst a hundred others, I resent it explaining why & just asking for simple confirmation that it had been read…again…crickets.
Am I crazy here? My soul hit personal bottom, seemed as such anyhow, & I bare my soul asking only to know I’ve been understood, not seeking discussion, agreement or anything further & the feedback is zero. A couple weeks later after my evening with Sam & following night on Insomnia Island I sent an IM, just kinda opening my heart one last time, & after a day or two with no response of any kind just happened to casually mention the message in a text conversation to which the reply was I’ll have to check, haven’t been in there for awhile…a couple days later now…again…crickets. Is my need, or simply desire, for feedback incessant? Apparently so, especially considering I’ve written these Blogs for months now which have generated all of 3 comments total from anyone other than myself (thanks to those who’ve commented). Guess mom was right…I must be nuts!
Rock on pals & have a GREAT weekend!!!
Your crazy Memphis
hoping you can get through this sooner than later, Grizz! Luckily the gym and the iron are always there for us, no matter what!
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