Been WAY TOOO Long!

Well, I've missed y’all! Last week I kept up with those of you pulling double duty here & on FB via the iPhone but given last week’s travel around the old home stomping grounds of Chicago & northern Indiana just had Griz chasing his tail 18-20 hours a day between work & catching up with old pals.

I did manage a 6 mile hike on the hometown’s elevated wetlands greenway one chilly evening so all wasn’t a total fitness loss LOL! Being both around suppliers & old cronies all week, the diet did suffer some (God! I love White Castle!!!) but I made a conscious effort to at least keep the carbs & total cals out of the stratosphere!

Had all full intentions of hitting Helga’s for an UBWO this AM after the week off but between a LOUSY night of tossing & turning followed by awakening to a yet again ticked off lumbar, I opted for another round of KickBoxerChick’s back care yoga DVD & some home Precor hill riding to at least put the main pump back online for about 30 mins.

For once the sleep issues seemed less emotional & more just physical for once. Just didn’t matter how I twisted, stretched, contorted, there just wasn’t a comfy way to be, anywhere. Finally zonked somewhere around 2-3AM so when the Helga call went off it just wasn’t happening once I realized I couldn’t hardly even get vertical thanks to a once again pissy lumbar. Man getting old sux SOOO bad!

Courtesy of construction traffic in southern IN Saturday then a horrid big rig cliff crash crossing KY, what’s normally about 10.5 hours turned into like 13 then had to hit it at the side job all day yesterday so diving back into all day concrete standing after just a short nap following Saturday’s Interstate marathon might just have had everything all jammed up this AM & still not moving too well this afternoon so I’m thinking another round of back care stretching may be required come bedtime tonight.

As expected all that travel & hotel time, not to mention being ”back home” for the week, dredged up a ton of old emotions & relit the personal swirl fires a bit but, good or bad depending on how you look at it, apparently my soul has become calloused enough that I’ve pretty much found the “who cares anymore” plateau so although 1,724 miles on the road was accompanied by a lot of sad thoughts & TONS of once awesome but now painful memories, the edge on that blade has been ridden dull so it’s now just become a dull burning ache in my soul & keeping up with a few good pals via texts & FB helped pass the time nicely so now it’s just a matter of surviving the holidays with some level of sanity intact & trying to begin re-ascending the mountain but NOT allowing myself to get derailed halfway to the summit this time.

Many have tried to tell me I’ll never be happy in relationships, or life, until I learn to be happy with myself so somehow here around life’s midpoint I guess learning to be an entirely different person is what it’s going to take to get past this train wreck & although I despise the very prospect of rewiring who I am, my very being, remaining miserable, fat & numb seems a slightly worse option so, here we go! Ought to write a book about this; Midlife for Dummies seems to fit but somehow dummies just doesn’t seem anywhere nearly a strong enough term LOL!

Rock on pals!

Griz

SO MAYBE THERE'S HOLIDAY HOPE AFTERALL!!!

Okay, so Thanksgiving is behind us now but here comes Christmas then New Years, followed closely by Valentine ’s Day…UGH!!!

Since I was a young cub (I was never little LOL!) the Holidays have been tough. Thanksgiving was always kinda neat as it was one of the few days when dad really played the role of “father” very well. NOW HOLD ON! Don’t get me wrong!!! Loved dad & miss him lots still but he was a grumpy bear 99% of the time as he worked 2 jobs, 12-16 hours a day M-F & 4-8 hours a day on weekends, so rightfully so. Mom had open heart surgery in 1970 when it was still smoke & mirrors & couldn’t work for over a year & never really regained her full strength or endurance even though she re-entered the full time work force, working the very day before she passed away in 1984 but we’ll get to that later.

Before I came along dad had an independent TV repair business of his own & worked at a local theater chain as a projectionist nights & weekends. Once I came along he & mom decided they needed a more stable income & insurance so dad took a dayshift factory job & gave up his dream. Once color TVs came on the scene dad HAD to have one! It was like a 13” & it sat on top of our old console B&W but dad would ONLY allow it to be turned on Sunday evenings for Disney & Thanksgiving morning for the parades for like 3 years, weird I know! I guess he was afraid it’d run out of color or something LOL! Anyhow, in spite of always working the night before, he was always the one getting everybody up to gather round the TV & watch the parades as the scent of the turkey (usually burning) wafted through the house. Mom wasn’t really a cook but could burn NEARLY anything you could get near a stove! Wonder if that’s why I LOVE smoked / grilled meats today LOL?!?!? So, T’day carries fun memories I can deal with although mom’s dad ALWAYS came to visit for T’day lunch & for whatever reason(s) whenever he & dad were in the same room it was ALWAYS tense so those memories come along for the ride too.

Now we move onto Christmas. Dad’s dad raised evergreens & Christmas trees as part of his landscaping business so as a kid we ALWAYS had live trees that the Grizwald Grizzlies hand chose, cut down, drug home etc etc. Dad just HATED those plastic trees! Dad also had quite a collection of the old fashioned glass vial bubble lights which were too heavy for fake trees so another reason he resisted. G’pa had passed 10 years before I came along BUT G’ma always had us come get her a tree & us a tree from G’pas acres until she sold the place mid 70s. Since my b’day is less than a month after Christmas, I was always one of those kids that got the “combo gifts” but usually dad would make me wait until my b’day to play with’em. I could open’em at Christmas but then, to have something for my b’day, I’d be tortured for nearly a month waiting LOL! One year I got my first ever multi speed bicycle Christmas morning but then wasn’t allowed to take it out of the house until the snow was gone, which growing up in north central Indiana was nearly 3 months so it sat shiny & new in the living room awaiting spring GRRR LOL!

Now let’s take a QUICK pass through Valentine’s Day. I was one of those clumsy pudgy geeky uncool elementary school aged kids with like 2 friends total so every year I HATED Valentine’s Day!!! Why did I want to spend all evening making up &/or even simply labeling mushy cards for dumb girls that didn’t like me anyhow?!?!? NOW, fast forward to early high school! Jill, the gal I’d had a crush on for months, a cute & smart, fellow bicycle tourer, had made it clear that she wanted to be “just friends” back in October but just days before V’day we had a blizzard forecasted bad enough that they actually called school off the night before so a friend of hers threw a small evening dance party at their midtown house that we all attended. I was minding my own business; solo of course, when her BFF approached me, asking why I didn’t ask Jill to dance. Of course the “friends” conversation was seared into my frontal lobe so I just said that I was sure she didn’t want to dance with me & her friend said OH YES SHE DOES!!! & things blossomed nicely from there SOOO for a few years I LOVED V’day, until 1984. All winter 1983 mom had been battling something like the flu that her doc just couldn’t figure out but V’day eve night, while I was off at school in Chicago, she suddenly turned much worse & passed away V’day morning from heart failure before I could even get back home so of course I haven’t cared for V’day much since & for any of you who’ve followed along this year know, V’day weekend 2011 was nearly as devastating to me so obviously I’ll be glad to clear the entire Holiday season BUT at least there’s some new hope taking the scene!!!

For the past couple months there had been an occasional commenter on my bodybuilding.com bodyblog who I’ve also recently made FB friends with. While getting to know her history a bit, reading back over a few years of her amazingly well written personal blogs, I’d also noticed a pal of hers who was prolly the most common commenter on them that I’ve also befriended. Now, while getting to know these 2 a lil more it has become amazing to me just how much we share in common! We’ve certainly ALL faced life’s roller coaster but while we’ve shared the same ride, albeit in totally different parts of the country & with a lil different timing, our 3 experiences share many STUNNING similarities!

I’ve also found that they’re both MUCH like myself in that they too acquire their greatest happiness through bringing smiles & happiness to others so maybe I’m not SOOO totally screwed up after all LOL! I must admit though that I HAVE to wonder what really happens when codependent personalities depend on each other LMBO!!! Guess we’ll just all have to learn to take turns =) I distinctly remember a tender conversation about a year ago, explaining that bringing happiness to someone first, ahead of my own, was VERY important to me & her arguing that once in a while I had to take turns, letting her enjoy that experience too SOOO, it can be done LOL!

Maybe the Holidays don’t have to totally suck after all!!!

Guess we’ll just have to hide & watch!!!

Rock on pals! Your crazy (but maybe not SOOO crazy) Memphis pal, Griz

WHATs, WHYs & WHY NOTs!

Happy Monday pals! Hope you’re all set for turkey day in like 69 hours. Me? I’m thinking it’s gonna go 1 of 2 ways. I’m either gonna be thankful for a comfy bed & an excellent pillow & just freaking hibernate all day OR if I can wrangle a few ZZZs this week, the weatherman is promising Thursday to be the nicest day of the week so I may just venture out where the buffalo roam for some hiking trail therapy!

For those who’ve been following along, you may be wondering what’s the deal with the ZZZs??? We had that problem licked a month or 2 ago. Well, the day job has had me traveling some lately which has unfortunately resurrected a serious case of demons of the past from my former life. Back when I worked for a German machine tool builder I was on the road across all of north America & much of western Europe, 70%-80% of the time from 04-07 & during that time there were MANY days that I’d be functioning on 2-3 hours sleep due to installing technology at 1 customer during the days while programming processes nights for others, often several time zones away. So, given that lifestyle, it didn’t take me long to find the edge of sanity but during that time I also met on online acquaintance that made me laugh & shared a lot of great times with me, keeping me sane by giving me something in life to cherish & look forward to other than a bazillion random 0s & 1s. That acquaintance eventually came to acquire the nickname Sugar Bear so these recent travels, visiting machine shops around the region, evaluating processes & staying in random hotels, has released the dogs of personal swirl warfare & has uncaged my demons of the past I thought I had nearly / recently conquered. Been running on 2-3 hours sleep per night for the past few weeks again & it’s finally catching up with me. Had plans of hitting it long & hard at the side job this weekend but at only 9 hours in on Saturday, at the end of a run, I had the choice to either setup the next job or punch out & call it a day. Just considering the decision was an actual effort & when I realized I was actually so dang tired that it was a mental & physical effort just to breathe I decided to call it done. Knocked out a decent LBWO & another 8 hours at work Sunday & when I headed for the rack Sunday night I fell back into the summertime’s habit out of necessity, downing a couple Excedrin PMs, a couple Benadryl & a fist full of melatonin for good measure. Actually got 6 straight hours of sleep last night & knocked out a pretty good UBWO this AM so things are leveling back off.

So what’s all this got to do with WHATs, WHYs & WHY NOTS? Those of you who’ve followed along may recall my soul was completely twisted up, from Valentine’s weekend on, for months trying to figure out WHAT I did, or didn’t do, that blew things up that weekend until I had a seriously painful realization in July that there was a deeper issue in the WHY I couldn’t find out WHAT the problem was & somehow that painful awakening actually brought a bizarre form of semi-closure, realizing that if why I needed to know what had gone wrong apparently wasn’t important…the what itself really no longer mattered. Well, given these past few days, battling for a foothold on insomnia island, I’ve finally come to another conclusion, along with input from a few near & dear pals. What I HAVE TO focus on in order to move forward is neither the what or the why but strictly the WHY NOT! Why not allow myself to live a life worth waking up to? Why not figure out how to move on & not allow the ache in my soul to dominate my every waking moment. Why not allow myself to find a path back to happiness, which according to one awesome pal is strictly an internal journey but that’s an entire discussion all its own. So, WHY NOT?!?!?

Work hard, train hard, play hard & love deeply pals. NOTHING short of a 4.0 is any longer acceptable.

ALWAYS Admit When You’re Wrong AND…

Short & sweet…short at least for The Griz…

Worked at the side job a full long evening last night, all the while fighting my locked up stiff & sore lumbar. Had about an 8 minute cycle time so kept chatting with pals via iPhone web, being given all sorts of suggestions to help the spine so when I got home, to a carpeted floor rather than shop floor concrete, I tried out some of the yoga stretches a few of y’all had been raving about & ya know what?!?!? It honestly HELPED!!!

One thing my dad ALWAYS stressed was, to be a man, you HAVE to admit when you’re wrong but I’ve ALWAYS tried to take it a step further & point out when others are right too!

I awoke today at 3AM, after a 4 hour nap & the pain was nearly gone! I was still stiff as a board but I can work with that! Got rid of yesterday’s last quart of water & climbed back in bed deciding to try LK's yoga knee hugs again stretching out the spine more for good measure as I drifted back off to sleep, kind of like an industrial fetal position come to think of it, which lately is fairly appropriate anyhow LOL!

When the alarm went off a couple hours later I was able to sit up & get up without any problem! Still pretty stiff though so I opted for home cardio so I could take a good long hot shower where the hot water could actually spray on my lumbar rather than like Helga’s gym shower where the water just runs down off my shoulders.

Pedaled off 240 cardio calories on the “random hills” program of my old faithful home Precor upright bike that’s been kinda growing hair for the past year then showered & felt half decent again!

Thanks to all of you who chimed in with advice! It’s amazing just how much wind pain can take outta of your sails, especially when the waves are already breaking over the deck daily anyhow!

Gonna be a REALLY long weekend at the side job. We received a 750 piece titanium order, which is HUGE for us since we mostly make custom &/or prototype surgical instruments & patient matched implants but one of our prototypes was REALLY well received by the surgeons testing it so AWAY we go!

Planning to schneak in an UBWO tomorrow morning before hitting it at the shop then we’ll have to see what Sunday brings. I’ll probably try to slip in a brief LBWO during the Elvis hour then get back after that tasty titanium bar for some more gainful distraction!

Rock on pals!!!

As the world turns...the lumbar burns

So, I mentioned having a locked up lumbar yesterday morning which eased up during yesterday’s growling LBWO.

As the day wore on it returned with a vengeance & by the time I wrapped it up at the side job last night & made it back to the Grizzly den it was NOT happy. I decided core & cardio that was on deck at Helga’s for this AM was gonna become cardio only on the home Precor bike & crashed.

Took a couple Advil PM then a couple Excedrin Back & Body but by 2AM things weren’t getting any better so I reset the alarm, giving up on the home cardio even, deeming today an unplanned rest day GRRR!

Being a creature of habit but trying to find a solution I then forced myself to crash on my "off side" which I dislike BUT that seemed to ease things up a bit & after a 3 hour nap I awoke & was at least able to get vertical WHILE breathing!

Still MIGHTY sore & stiff today, going through my typical meeting marathon Thursday, but the good news is that my latest meeting for the day, with my boss, his boss & all their cronies, got rescheduled to early next week so at least I caught a break there!

Tomorrow has UBWO on deck @ Helga's again so I’m really hoping this mess straightens out as I REALLY don’t want to miss that iron grindfest GRRR!!!

I’ve had a lumbar nerve that occasionally gets pinched since I was a teenager but the miserable thing is that the older I get the more easily it gets aggravated & the harder it is to get straightened out. Getting old just sucks!!! Might have as much or more to do with the mid drift surplus as it does with age but either way it’s a real pain in the…backside!

My twice weekly core work has really been loading the lower back extension station lately, 1 plate short of max’ing it out, whereas due to the issues I’ve had with the repair & reinjury of an umbilical hernia from Y2K, I’ve been running 3/4ths that load on crunches but have been doing 4/3rds the reps to keep the work even.

I’m now beginning to rethink that logic! Maybe age does bring a LITTLE wisdom but I’m thinking it still requires pain to sink in!!!

Rock on pals!

So growling causes me grief AGAIN!

Growling strikes again!

Okay, so today being hump day in the current lineup means it’s also leg day, always my favorite workout due to the sheer volume of iron tonnage per minute that gets destroyed! Awoke after about 5 half decent hours of sleep & could hardly get up! Must’ve slept twisted up or something as my lower back was one giant raging knotted spasm!!! Finally got vertical & began to motivate through the morning ritual, adding a fistful of Excedrin Back & Body to the lean protein, multi vitamin & SubTest injestion.

Got to Helga’s & it was packed again, today with a posse of sistas I’ve never seen before following a new independent 5’ MAYBE toothpick trainer through the stations along with many other new folks, plus the usual crowd. Grumbling to myself about the crowd & my still throbbing lumbar I arranged my locker, lit up the iPod, grabbed the clipboard with today’s spreadsheet & headed out.

Clambered onto the 1 open upright bike, missing it’s pedal straps GRRR!, & proceeded to get the heart rate pumped up to 80% MHR while warming up the southern regions then headed for the lay down leg press sled where I start out. Luckily the posse was just moving away so I dialed in the shoulder pads, set the starting load at 600 & contorted my aching torso in. I always run 5 sets alternating ankle / calf press / stretches then reposition for ATTG full stroke leg presses, wash, rinse repeat, 13 reps per set today. By the last set the pump was feeling good from the hips down, the sweat was already rolling, & the lower back was apparently absorbing the Excedrin as it was down to a dull throb!

While rising I noticed about half the posse looking over towards me & just figured they were amused by my clumsy dismount technique not really thinking about the usual growls the last set or 2 generated. Of course they were all huddled up around the leg curl station where I usually go next & toothpick was demonstrating with like 60 LBs in motion so I ambled over to the abductor / adductor rigs waiting for a couple ROTC gals who have been recent regulars to finish up then did my 150 LB sets there 13x14x13 each, again noticing posse members looking at me as we passed each other, trading stations.

While cranking 150 LB seated leg curls 13x14x13 I was really beginning to burn the hamstrings and the last 13 were a real growlfest so as I was dismounting toothpick finally approached me jaws running 90MPH with a nasty attitude raging in her eyes! I popped an earbud glaring down at her standing about nipple tall & asked if I could help her?!? With her hands on her hips she exclaimed (in her best squeaky voice) that she was trying to teach these women about getting in shape & my “excessive grunting” was rude & distracting! I told her I was sorry that my workouts actually focused on building muscle rather than just toning but that I didn’t think I was being any more rude than 6 people traipsing from station to station tying them up, socializing as they each took turns half heartedly going through the motions! You could’ve heard a pin drop for a second then about 4 of the usual AM crowd began laughing their tails off & toothpick spun an abrupt about face & led the posse over to the dumbbell rack area where they spent the rest of the time doing mat work. Whatever!

So I proceeded over to the standing glute back kick station & knocked out 2x13ea L&R @ 150 LBs and there’s this 50ish year old, anorexic, 5’6” blond, 1950s librarian lady, honest to goodness horn rimmed glasses & all, working the abductor / adductor stations immediately in front of the glute station. As I’m heading back towards the bikes to unwind before grinding out my last set of stations she’s changing stations & tugs my shirt sleeve as I pass. Thinking “OMG, NOT AGAIN!” I stop, turn, pop an earbud, & seeing her smiling I ask nicely “Yes?” She giggles & says she agrees with me about toothpick & her posse, blushing like a little school girl. I just smiled back & told her I just hope toothpick isn’t the owner’s daughter! She just giggled and walked off.

A couple hours into flying the desk now the lumbar is stoving up again so I’m thinking a walk around the building at lunch may just be in order, after I get out of this next meeting that is GRRR!!!

Some days you just gotta roll with the flow I guess! I’m just glad I didn’t end today’s workout with toothpick’s attitude LOL!

On the personal swirl side ... well ... now that I've pretty much extracted my head from my nether regions I've just gotta keep working on that cranial enema I've been in need of for months. Pretty much all the cards are on the table, the smoke has cleared & the dust is settling. Now to see if I can get my head screwed back on straight without causing any further collateral damage since that is what I've been trying to do all along, albeit not so successfully. Just need to get my heart & head back in line without causing any further grief.

Rock on pals!!! Your crazy Memphis pal, Griz

After 96,800 LBs of LBWO ground & growled away!!!

The ONLY constant in life is change...

So, yesterday was tough all around & even more so than expected for several. I’ve been facing some difficult personal struggles these past weeks / months & shared some of the deepest soul rendering details with one close & dear yesterday but not until after she broke some terribly worrisome work related news of her own that made my timing totally suck & made me feel even worse than I could’ve possibly expected about the entire situation.

There’s never a good time to share the raw edges of your soul when they can have a negative impact on others dear to you, but the cosmos & Murphy just seem to be on point these days; aligning troubles to multiply their effect on folks. As any of you who’ve followed these rambling adventures of the Griz know, bringing angst, hurt, or even simple aggravation to anyone dear just tears me up & it seems the older I get the more so that effect impacts my soul.

Because of this, combined with my upbringing, I try to be the best friend / person I can be, bringing others what happiness I can while trying my best not to cause anyone dear to me any type of hurt. Trouble is; life just doesn’t cooperate well sometimes & yesterday was certainly one of those days. I know many of my friends have expressed that I need to learn to focus on bringing myself happiness, at least now & then, but I acquire my greatest happiness through that of dear ones so these two factors are intimately intertwined for me, like it or not.

This week & beyond is undoubtedly going to mark a rough stretch & a period of tremendous adjustment that I honestly have no frigging idea how to surmount just yet but like any journey, it has to begin with the first step & can only be completed by not giving up.

All of that being said, this morning marked the first workout in Helga’s NEW House of Pain (AKA ATC Fitness)! The only constant is change, that’s for SURE!!!

Mixed feelings abound! Everything there is nice, clean & functional BUT there isn’t a single clock in the place, the stations are much closer together than before & are organized in some bizarre total body circuit sort of fashion, each is situated so that nearly every resistance station is directly facing the occupant of another & the locker room merits a paragraph all of its own!

There are 2 brand new Concept II cardio rowing trainers still in their boxes & several large flat screen TVs setting around the joint still in their boxes as well so it’s going to be even nicer soon but I spent this morning searching for stations & wishing I’d worn my pedometer! Once I finished yesterday’s missed UBWO I actually (quickly) sketched the place out on the back of my spreadsheet, noting each station I care about, so I can attempt to revamp my sessions in an efficient, productive, time effective, order.

Nearly all the equipment came across from Helga’s old place so not much new to try, add, or learn. Miss Snooty even had her spandex in a bunch scowling as she hunted stations & being miffed staring folks in the face as she worked out rather than teasing the old geezers with her butt as she went along LOL.

ATC advertises “Around The City, Around The Clock” having SEVERAL 24 hour locations around the Memphis metro area & for an extra $5 per month you can utilize any of’em anytime & also get free tanning. Since I’m quite fair skinned & none of the other locations are AT ALL handy for me I stick to the cheapy $15 per month for my location with no tanning but lots of folks opt for the premium route. Well, this being the latest, supposedly greatest, location there were LOTS of new folks there this morning who claimed to have been going to the next nearest / newest one so hopefully the new location will be good for their business!

Now about the locker room…apparently the locker arrangement itself was developed by some anal retentive industrial engineer / bean counter as they are the 6’ tall but double stacked variety to maximize the possible number of lockers per square foot of wall space but these short little lockers do not even allow a decent shirt to hang without piling up in the bottom BUT the showers must’ve been designed by some psuedo masochist NBA player as the shower heads are AT LEAST 7 feet above the shower floors & can not adjust to spray below the chest line / shoulder blades of this 6’2” bruin! They do however have AMAZING water pressure blasting out of nearly 100 surgical needle jet nozzles to remove ANY sweat or oil that could possibly be on ANY surface you can direct them towards. I can only assume this is why you absolutely can not aim them anywhere near the tender nether regions but something tells me the ladies aren’t going to be extremely happy much below the collar bones unless their into some serious frontal pain!!! There’s a cool lil Asian gentleman / AM regular who’s timing & mine generally run pretty close & that poor fellow said he could barely reach the shower head to even attempt adjusting it let alone get into its flow!

The only constant in life is change so I guess, as stubborn & impatient as I am, I just need to suck it up & get better at dealing with it!

Rock on pals.

Sincerely, your crazy Memphis pal Griz

Taming Life's Industrial Roller Coaster

Happy Monday pals! So this weekend was supposed to be spent cranking long hours at the side job but that effort got derailed by human error as the buyer planner somehow sourced the wrong grade of material for a hot job SOOO had the vast majority of it off. Spent some time Saturday walking the hills & hollers of the Grizzlyhood before stopping in to catch the tail end of my beloved Razorbacks near miss with Ole Miss LOL! Also flipped in & out of the Vols VS Bama game hoping to see somebody finally knock Bama off their pedestal & for the first half it seemed there might be hope but once again the depth of Bama’s bench prevailed GRRR!!!

Awoke Sunday & decided not to let the day go to waste even though it was a gloomy one. Knowing that at lunchtime today I’m heading for a 2 day supplier audit 4 hours away in Arab, AL I decided to hit UBWO, LBWO, Core & HIIT all afternoon yesterday, figuring I could possibly catch the Detroit Lions beating those crazy yard birds from Atlanta on the gym TVs but I could only catch them during my 10 minute cardio intervals as all the iron arena TVs were either tuned to NASCAR or the TN Titans game GRRR! Oh well, turned out just as well since my loveable loser Lions decided to return to their roots anyhow LOL!

Warmed up with 105 HIIT calories on a 5K spinbike program then progressed through a thorough upper body beat down. Next I hit the evil elliptical for 130 calorie jaunt which then led to a complete lower body thrashing. After beating the getaway sticks completely I took a 110 calorie hill climbing dreadmill stroll to spread the acid built up in the quads, hammies & glutes evenly then moved onto my final core sets closed off by a 95 calorie upright bike cool down, still keeping the pulse above 80% maximum recommended heart rate for such an old Griz. All of this had Griz good & soggy sweaty but feeling great for having set a new single workout total tonnage PR of 203,400 LBs of iron ground across 140 minutes grind time averaging 0.73 Tons per minute which isn’t anything spectacular BUT having held that average basically across 3 hours with HIIT mixed in wasn’t half bad!

Arose this morning REALLY feeling it in my lower back, from (180) reps total, across 3 sets of 60 @ 240 LB each on lower back extensions, & lugging a set of lead arms to boot into the shower! Now, having arrived at the workplace, I’m killing time prepping for the 4 hour trip, printing off all the required checklists, previous audit findings & Standard Operating Procedures to keep me occupied tonight at the hotel. I’ve been told this is a gorgeous region and my hotel supposedly sits on the banks of Lake Guntersville which is part of an AL state park. MAYBE if there’s enough remaining daylight I might get lucky & find a hiking trail nearby but it’ll be just my luck to get lost & wind up hearing banjos in Bama again!

Actually kind of looking forward to this trip & dreading it all at the same time! Travelling & evaluating company’s processes used to be a BIG part of what I did when I worked for the German grinder company but in the same breath that brings back lottsa uber fond late night memories long gone that I really don’t need piling up on me right now. Oh well, life’s a series of ups & downs, good & bad, happy & sad, an industrial roller coaster of sorts. Gotta learn to make it all work one way or another!

Rock on pals! Being a Hampton Inn, not sure if they will have any kind of fitness gear or not but as Al would say, it’s 80% diet anyhow so I WILL do my best to behave on the road food & catch y’all Thursday if not before!

There was a Grizzly loose on the beach!

Okay, so Griz finally took a lil vacation & had a good time! Some Bodybuilding.com pals had been planning a meet & greet shindig in Panama City Beach, FL to coincide with the city’s wine & music festival, as well as the planner’s birthday! I wasn’t positive I was gonna make it down for the longest time but in the 11^th hour managed to pull it off! Unfortunately the city’s fest got canceled but then again that may have improved things since it wasn’t packed & wouldn’t have been rock & roll anyhow LOL! Now also, before we get into any incriminating evidence to follow keep in mind #1 I HATE cameras & #2 I’m not tanked in ANY of these shots but rather have eyes which are sensitive to light, flashes especially! We didn’t consume anywhere nearly enough alcohol of any type to get this silly!

So after a 9 hour drive, thinking I’d NEVER get out of Alabama once I entered, I finally arrived at the hotel where we were all staying only to find my room was on the ground level & only had a boardwalk between the patio door & the bay’s beautiful beach!!! The event planner Lavona, AKA Steely or Palomino Steel, had flown in from Canada the day before & she was on the 3^rd floor with an awesome view. The locals, Rick & Mylissa AKA Flabouy or Marine & Mylissa1 or Myl, who acted as event hosts live very nearby so it was all good! Once I got out of the car & vertical I walked around the hotel & who do I run into heading for the pool but Steely! Now keep in mind all of us have been cyber pals for ages, years more or less, but hadn’t ever “met” so of course from her pics I knew it was her in an instant but the voice & accent is ALWAYS an experience! You feel like you know folks but when you “hear” them for the first time, do they EVER sound like you imagined? NOPE! Here’s this gal from the far Western reaches of Canada sounding like she just had tea & crumpets with the Queen or some shrimp off the Barbie from down under maybe LOL! After a big ol’bear hug we sat by the pool & chatted for a while, awaiting the arrival of the locals to head for dinner before the arrival of my roomie flying in from OKC. The locals arrived & Myl sounded pretty much as expected, knowing she was a Texan where I have family kept the imagination pretty close there then Marine walks up…dude looks even slimmer in person & yet again, for some reason the imagination had this gruff drill sergeant voice in mind but NOPE, just a smooth normal dude! We chat for a bit & head out for some dinner as Myl had been messaging me that she was starving as I’d crossed the last 2 counties of AL! We hit a neat place for dinner that had awesome patio seating & some really good grilled mahi mahi! As you’ll see later Marine ISN’T 7’ tall but is rather standing on something to tower above the gals LOL!

After dinner we booked out to the airport to pick up my roomine, Bret AKA balanc or BAC, & headed back to the hotel to check in, unpack & plan the evening’s festivities! We all met up in Steely’s room since she had a kitchenette & an awesome view for a couple celebratory libations to kick off the weekend then set to deciding the night’s upcoming events. As the sunset I could just tell the tempo of the day was about to take a steep turn upwards LOL! And BTW, what a gorgeous sunset it was!!!

 At the stroke of Midnight Steely donned her she devil horns as it was officially her birthday & those horns NEVER came off until that day was DONE, she claimed to have even slept in’em LOL! We had settled on hitting the largest club in North America which is just 15-20 minutes away BUT upon arrival we didn’t pass their dress code! Here this is, a beach bar & they don’t allow certain types of shorts OR tank tops so we went next door to another place that turned out to have a really good live band so all was well! Steely decided before we tore into any drinks we needed to burn off a few calories so we latched on & did some quick lifting before settling in!

After we’d chatted about all sorts of things poor Steely was getting stiff, prolly from being treated as a barbell, so I decided she needed a neck & back rub as her b’day gift & after her initial OUCH! She settled in & seemed to enjoy every minute of it, telling me that this entire engineering gig has caused me to miss my true calling! I’m pretty sure she liked her gift but judge for yourself LMBO! (Have I mentioned I HATE cameras?)

So now, after the girls had been out dancing for a bit while Marine, BAC & I discussed various relationship issues, challenges & opportunities that we’ve been battling this year Marine proceeds to prod me to get dancing, BAC as well. Bret didn’t take any coaxing but I’m NOT a dancer PERIOD! I can weave & bob with the best of’em but that’s it! Eventually Marine said, “Get off your fat @ss & get out there!” So, I complied!

We eventually had enough of the club scene & headed back to crash somewhere around 3AM & poor Bret found out what a tired Grizzly sounds like, snoring an entire chorus solo! I have sleep apnea but when I’m traveling for just a few days leave my pump behind & MAN did HE regret it! I awoke about 8AM & noticed BAC was already getting around so I said I hoped my snoring hadn’t bothered him & his VERY first words were, “Dude! Have you ever been tested for sleep apnea?!?!?” I explained the deal & he said, “Well the snoring was bad enough but the stopping was worse! You’d stop & I’d wait & wait & finally you’d fire back up!” to which we both laughed about at several points during the day! We got around & headed to a local greasy spoon b’fast buffet then came back & hit the beach where Bret finally realized that apparently the devil that sits on my shoulder & tempts me had made the full trip however the angel from the other shoulder had apparently gotten burnt out & bailed somewhere crossing AL! Bret later mentioned he thought maybe Steely had simply drowned the angel to keep me from being a total wet blanket 5^th wheel all weekend!

After spending some time on the beach we began to think about lunch & I thought I’d dig something up but imagine my surprise! Actually one of Steely’s b’day wishes was to be buried in the sand so BAC & I had dug her a nice spot then covered her up for a while until Marine & Myl arrived!

Steely & Bret had tattoo appointments in the afternoon but Steely, Myl & Marine kinda hung out & did their own thing for a bit while Bret & I visited several local tee shirt & souvenir shops then we all met at the tattoo shop. While Steely & Bret were getting inked Myl & Marine worked a photo shoot for a local breast cancer motorcycle show & poker run. I hung out at the tattoo shop so Bret & Steely wouldn’t be stranded if they got done before M&M returned. Everyone had been trying to get me to join in & take a permanent ink memory home with me but I HATE needles plus hadn’t budgeted the $300 cost of the ONE appropriate tat I found that I really liked so maybe that’ll be Christmas, time’ll tell!

As evening came on we hit Hammerhead Fred’s for a seafood b’day dinner for Steely & it was GREAT! She had her heart set on a fresh slice of key lime pie as her b’day “cake” & Fred’s had the ticket! I’ve loved cooked oysters of nearly any kind since I was a kid & theirs were outstanding! They also had a pina colada cheesecake that was sinfully delicious! Bret, Myl, Marine & I all even sang happy b’day to Steely & her ears are prolly healing nicely by now!

Saturday night, knowing the dress code, we had come prepared & hit Club Lavela, supposedly the largest club in North America with a fire marshal capacity of like 7,000 & when we arrived the line went nearly 1/3 of the way across the parking lot but Marine &/or Myl knew some trick or secret handshake so we cruised right in! Because it was SOOO big it really didn’t seem that busy, having several different “rooms” within, that each had a different kind of music or theme. We hung out in the rock bar for a bit waiting on the band then walked around and sat by the pool for a bit. They have a large “open to the sky” area in the very middle with a pool & a stage where they hold concerts sometimes. The rock bar band that night was an Alice & Chains knock off that was pretty good but as with any bar, as the night went along SOME of the patrons were WAY over served & got really annoying! The dude standing immediately behind us was so tanked he could barely stand & kept spilling his drink on Marine’s feet! We eventually decided to depart & realized Bret had stepped out so I went one way & they went the other looking along the way, planning to rally by the pool. I walked into the adjoining room where they were playing techno tunes & had bikini clad gals dancing on the tables so I was SURE I’d find BAC in here somewhere but after just ONE lap (I CAN be a good boy) I departed & saw the crew waving from poolside where BAC had actually dozed off in a beach lounger by the pool listening to the waterfall / fountain! Apparently when they found him he was rudely awakened by an industrial wet willy administered by SOMEBODY whom Bret had screwed with earlier! Anyhow, after lots of long discussions about life, love, relationships, happiness & torment we decided since Bret’s flight home was to depart at 7:30AM we’d best head to the hotel. I ask BAC what in the world he was thinking booking a dead AM flight back after the night he KNEW we’d prolly have & he just assumed we’d drop him off at the airport on our way back to the hotel LMBO! So, after enjoying one more gorgeous moonlit night over the bay I settled in for about a 3 hour nap but this day BAC’s snoring woke me up, just as the alarm on my phone began to chime @ 6AM.

We arose, packed & headed for the airport but of course it all looked a bit different & missed a turn, getting him to the airport 10 minutes before his flight but they had NO sense of humor so he had to rebook later flights anyhow but by that time I was fueling up & nearing that miserable Bama state line.

Now, after all this craziness I pointed the commutermobile’s nose NW & proceeded to spend 9 hours alone with my thoughts, which is never a good thing. Time on my hands & mind always lead me to dark places these days, thinking back over all the fun times, both recent & more distant past but somehow that practice always ends up in parade of what all’s gone wrong making those moments SOOO rare anymore. SOOO by the time I finally made it back to the Grizzly den about 5PM I just wanted to crash but the weekend will not soon be forgotten as a string of many of those rare & fun moments shared with pals & several of the conversations have given me further food for thought regarding the hope of a better future if I can ever manage, as Marine so adeptly put it, to “Get my head outta my @ss & move on!”

What A Weekend!!!

Well, time to get back at it! Took last week off from the iron due to an all day Thursday panel interview about a possible 4 year over seas ExPat aerospace manufacturing engineering gig in the Philippines. Didn’t want to risk having some sort of physical blow out right before the interview LOL. Traveled out to their world HQ just outside Buffalo, NY Wednesday night after work, interviewed all day Thursday then traveled back home Thursday night. Had the usual bizarre screw ups making connecting flights in Atlanta but luckily all were successful!!! The interviews seemed to go pretty well & they said I should know something within a week or so therefore, I’m just waiting to see how that all shakes out, trying not to lose TOO much sleep over it just yet!

Due to uncertainty about getting back home on time Thursday I had canceled my mountain resort reservations in the Ozarks & opted for some sort of a nearby adventure instead. Griz being a music nut, decided to download the iPhone App for the Mississippi Blues Trail, more commonly called the

Blues Highway

 which is primarily U.S. Hwy 61 from New Orleans clear up to Chicago. The trail has marker sign posts scattered all over the surrounding countryside where blues pioneers either; lived, died, or regularly performed & also at places where significant events in blues / musical history occurred. I only traveled a couple hundred miles of the trail & still didn’t hit every marker in between as some are well off the beaten path while others are WAY off it LOL! The app is really cool since it shows you the markers both alphabetically & on a map so you can select the ones you have interest in then it pumps out directions that will at least got you into the neighborhood but MANY of these markers are just far enough off the beaten path that you won’t have cell service to follow along so best to write down the GPS coordinates ahead of time, provided you own a GPS which I do not LMBO!

Even though things were gloomy & cloudy Saturday due to tropical storm Lee pushing up from the gulf, had a good time following the Blues Trail SSW along the mighty muddy Mississippi as the blues, as both a music & culture, primarily had its roots in the MS river delta region from the early days of plantations & post Civil War share cropping. As agriculture became more mechanized the culture & music migrated north along the river to the packing houses & other industry clear up into Chicago & the affects on music are clearly traceable through history! New Orleans Jazz had more of an influence on soul music while the blues had a great deal of influence on both early country & rock, with Memphis claiming to be the birthplace of rock & roll.

Saturday ended up in Clarksdale, MS where folk lore tells that early blues legend Robert Johnson traded his soul to the devil for his gifts with the guitar. HWYs 49 & 61 AKA “The Cross Roads” is supposedly where the deal went down one dark & stormy night! Clarksdale was once a vibrant hub of both agriculture & the blues. It still hosts 2 annual internationally known festivals around the blues & regional juke joints but the other 50 weeks a year it’s just another typical dying farm town with a couple good live music dives along with a couple music & cultural museums thrown in for good measure. Saturday night I hit Morgan Freeman’s Clarksdale juke joint “Ground Zero Blues Club” & they had a local high energy band on stage until 1AM that were OUTSTANDING!!! Otis “TCB” Taylor & crew were REALLY into crowd participation & their style was a blast! Every now & then they’d stray off from the typical blues lineup announcing “The blues had a baby & named it rock & roll” tearing into some heavily blues influenced rocker’s cover!

Sunday tropical storm Lee was unrelenting, pouring rain nearly ALL day but I followed the Blues Hwy markers back up river, hitting ones further off the beaten path, even briefly straying across the river into Helena, AR (stumbling into a confederate cemetery while there) culminating the blues adventure back downtown Memphis on Beale St in a couple of my favorite blues halls experiencing one of my recent but most favorite performers, Patrick Dodd, while also catching an old favorite, Blake Ryan, who’s recently started his own band & is now MUCH more into a MoTown / Funk groove than his former blues band was. Both nights ended somewhere between 2AM – 3AM so early rising wasn’t high on the list of priorities this weekend LOL!

Labor Day itself began chilly, windy, cloudy & gloomy but still decided to hit the trails of Shelby Farms, where Memphis’ bison heard roams! Covered the 1 mile woodlands loop, 4 miles of the rougher terrain horse trail & ended up the last mile covering the wetlands loop with 3 of the 6 total miles in full blazing clear sky glory after the crazy winds had pushed Lee out of the Bluff City region!

Eased back into the normal groove @ “0” Dark-Thirty this AM with HIIT cardio sessions wrapped around core iron work totaling 300 HIIT calories & 72,000 LBs of core iron getting the normal life back under way. Shuffling UBWO up to tomorrow, saving LBWO for Friday given the mileage covered over the weekend.

Hope y’all had an excellent Holiday weekend, either in high energy adventures or laid back family time whichever suited your desires! Things may be changing big time in Griz land if this ExPat gig pans out but even if it doesn’t, it’s far past time to get my anal - cranial device finally engaged & reacquire some fire for life that has been eluding me most of these past months & I am DEEPLY indebted to those of you who have both tolerated & motivated me to keep on keeping on through this tough rough stretch of trail! Rock on pals!!!

It's WAY PAST Time To Retake Control & DRIVE!!!

Man, one just never knows what may lie ahead these days!

For those of you who’ve followed this circus bear show these past months you know it’s been one hell of a ride! A year ago about now things were awesome & getting better by the day, there was happiness again in an empty ol’heart with hopes of an amazing loving & sharing relationship & the fitness journey was even progressing better than any hope previously held then we hit a bit of a speed bump around Christmas but leveled back off & soared again right up until Valentine’s eve then crashed & burned & burned & burned well…ya know!

There’ve been worse days & not SOOO bad of days since. Things begin to look up, one way or another, then ya get kicked in the soul again or surprise! You get reassigned into a position you hate, working for a guy you can’t trust. Then you find a side gig you enjoy, love actually, & they begin talking seriously about making it a full time gig, things begin to look up then…things slow down, they get nervous, conservative & responsible I should say, so the outlook dims again.

Things on the home front seem like maybe there’s some hope & desire of healing after all but then, now & then, all the old maladies pop up from time to time making that hope just seem a sham show in hopes of hanging onto a meal ticket. Ya know, all the same BS it seems everybody’s going through these days!

One pal’s wife hates his job cause he’s always on the road so now they're splitting up, a cool lady from the side gig hates her husband’s job cause it lets him be home too often (WTF?) so she’s prepping to file cause she can’t stand to be around him anymore & yet another close pal loses his marbles over unfounded domestic accusations by his step daughter & nearly blows your head off when you try to stop him from ruining his life by going after the falsely accused, magnum in hand…just another day in paradise right?!?!?

Okay, enough damn whining! Looking at this smoldering train wreck from a nearby bridge, one that’s often seemed tantalizingly inviting these past few months, I’ve come to realize a couple things. (1) this same ol’shit just ain’t working anymore, (2) one way or another, with or without me, things have gotta change!!!

I’ve hung onto the hope of mutual love WAY longer than was EVER realistic & the self inflicted burning pain in my soul that’s caused has been MUCH worse than anything anybody else could’ve EVER inflicted upon me & also because of that unrealistic hope I’ve put up with BS on the work front, in the name of playing it safe, WAY longer than I should’ve, given the fact recruiters are still contacting me regularly from when I was hunting for this job last spring, SOOO time to make some changes!

Now, one of the best deals still on the table involves change, A LOT OF CHANGE! It pays what both my current jobs pay combined, it includes a company provided furnished apartment & company car while allowing me to get back to my passion of making precision parts out of challenging alloys on ultra modern, high tech equipment! WTH have I been waiting for these past couple months while this guy’s been calling?!?!?

Well, there is one little challenge; it involves becoming an ExPat, moving to a mountain top in the Philippines for 4 years! At the end of that 4 year gig I can either (A) re-up for another 4 there (B) re-up for another 4 years at any of their other international facilities or (C) come on back to any of their many domestic locations SOOO, given recent personal realizations, I’ve decided WTH! Time to see just how serious they are!!! I cleared the tele-interivewing deal with flying colors & am now heading to upstate NY, to their world HQ, for an all day round of panel interviews, flying out Wednesday night & returning Thursday night afterwards.

Time’ll tell but one thing’s for certain; it’s time for things to change & if I drive those changes myself, I’ll have nobody to blame for the outcome but myself! A dear one once told me I HAD to make these kinds of changes FOR myself & it's WAY PAST time I woke the hell up & listened!

It's WAY PAST time to retake control of this train wreck, set'er back on the tracks, fire the boiler, full steam ahead!

Rock on pals & buckle up! This might just get crazier than it's already been but at least there's gonna be somebody at the wheel, foot on the gas mind ya!!!

PULLING THROUGH…

Okay, so last night I did my good deed for the week! JRs girlfriend recently graduated cosmetology school & passed her state board exam so now she’s interviewing at area salons hoping to acquire gainful employ to payoff her school debt. There’s a place just a couple doors down the strip mall from Helga’s House of Pain that she’d really like to get into as they have great hours, the manager enjoys teaching new stylists her skills & apparently it doesn’t pay too bad for a beginner either BUT here was the catch; before receiving a job offer from them part of the interview was to arrange & cut first a ladies hair then a guys. Now you’d think JR would be the logical guinea pig here but he keeps his hair buzzed since he performs physical labor in a semi air conditioned factory all day SOOO dad “volunteered!” Now, let’s keep in mind that my hair is just now growing back from her “practice session” the weekend before her board exam so I wasn’t exactly thrilled but hey, she needed a victim & I was “nearing” the need for a trim LOL! All went pretty well so hopefully today she’ll get a happy phone call soon.

Afterwards I “buzzed” over to the side job & knocked out a couple parts then had a great phone call with a dear friend on the way home. Slept half ways decent; (2) 3 hour naps with odd dreams about my long since passed parents but nothing TOO bizarre, then cruised on into Helga’s House of Pain & cranked out 280 HIIT cardio calories, partly on the upright bike & partly on the hill climbing dreadmill with 83,600 LBs of core iron crunched, twisted & extended in the middle!

Showered, dressed, then battled the Memphis morning morons through a mean, nasty, wicked, thunderstorm to reach the day job. I’m still haggling with the side job owners as they really want me to take over operations full time there BUT with all the capital investments they’ve made on new equipment lately they’re just biding some time, trying to make sure at least a couple of these new customers pan out so the cash flow remains safely adequate to absorb the hit I’d represent which is logic I can appreciate having been downsized by the Germans, out of the clear blue, back in early 2007.

Been talking more with trainer Sam, both on the personal front for him & the training front for me. Poor dude is going through hell at home, I’d say 4 days a week. I REALLY have to hope the make up sex is AMAZING as it seems they’re ready to tear each other’s hearts out at least a couple times weekly but then keep patching things back up & he just doesn’t know which way to jump these days to which I can somewhat relate. On the training front he seems to think maybe I’m not quite ready, conditioning wise, for the hard focus 4 day resistance 2 day core & cardio split we’d worked out as after 6 weeks all I can really identify for it is a substantial increase in joint pain LOL! The scale AND the measurements are still basically stalled & I KNOW it’s mostly diet as the effort has been sincere on the iron so for the next few weeks I’m making increasingly serious efforts to tighten up the diet even further & switching to M, W, F core & HIIT cardio, then LBWO on Tues & UBWO on Thurs to see if I can get this train wreck moving again. The side job certainly isn’t helping fitness progress any as I end up breaking for dinner around 7PM then usually work on til 9-10, come home, usually snag a tablespoon of natty peanut butter & a cup of 1% milk, crash for a few hours, hit Helga’s by 6AM & start it all over.

On the personal swirl front I’m nearly as up in the air as Sam right now but without the fighting. No matter how dead things ever got between JRs mom & I we never really fought, I often think it would’ve actually been better if we would have. At least then we’d have gotten it all out on the table but ANYHOW, she keeps talking & acting like she wants to patch things up, make changes & make amends but then once in a while she lets her old stripes show, making some off the cuff comment, pulling some totally familiar stunt or voicing desire for some totally worthless but expensive trinket that makes me doubt there’s really any sincere inner change taking place but rather just a fear of being alone as she continues to go through her various physical / medical issues. Fear that she’s gonna end up a train wreck like her dad but not have anyone to take care of her like her mom always has for her dad.

After all of those years living numb then realizing what life & love can be like, no SHOULD be like, I just can’t stand the thoughts of going back to numb but also just CAN NOT handle the roller coaster things have been this year either so, like I said, I’m JUST about as bad as Sam LOL!

Rock on pals!!! Some time zones are already over the hump & it’s rapidly approaching Memphis so let’s all; work hard, train hard, play hard & love deeply!!! I’m still averaging about a 3 outta 4 most days but dammit! One of these days that 4 is gonna light up the scoreboard again somehow!!!

Tales From the Dark Side OR A Glimpse Over the Cliff’s Edge

So as I Blogged of last Friday AM, things just clicked in my world late Thursday afternoon & it felt SOOO great! There was a smile on my soul nearly forgotten as of late.

Now I talk about Murphy a lot & a couple pals even dog me about it. Now don’t get me wrong! I don’t believe there’s some literal Irish demon that follows us around, making life miserable, well not exactly. Murphy has just become my expression of angst, how I refer to the way luck runs in my world these days. Many don’t believe in luck either, believing rather you make your own. I’m kind middle ground on this one. I firmly believe we each have a MUCH greater impact on our lives through outlook & attitude than we can possibly comprehend at any given moment BUT I also believe in luck, or karma, or whatever you want to call it. That’s at least partly why I’ve always tried to help my fellow man whenever I can. I believe what comes around goes around so whenever I can lend someone a hand I do, partly because it makes me feel really good to help someone in need but also hoping that the day I hit rock bottom the scales of the cosmos might remember that sentiment & return the favor.

What I have noticed, both in my life as well as the lives of those I have at least a reasonable insight into is that what I refer to as Murphy just can’t stand to see those scales lean your way or mine these days, he just can’t stand seeing a smiling soul!!! Nearly every time I hear or see somebody enjoying a moment of success, victory, or joy I begin to get a little nervous, wondering when & where the crash is gonna come from? Now I realize that very same negativity can VERY easily become a self fulfilling prophecy so I do REALLY try to keep it low key but events of this year have made it nearly impossible to avoid entirely.

I’ve also mentioned previously having taken the side job partly, if not mostly, to occupy most if not all of my spare time so I can’t spend SOOO much time dwelling on what’s transpired as, here’s Murphy again, that newsreel leans WAY to the negative side as of late. Anyone who’s ever been in management, or anyone who has ever even taken management courses knows when you need to discipline an employee or have bad news to share with your folks you have to turn it into a shiz sandwich, finding something good to slip it in the middle of to somewhat soften the blow & make it more palatable.

Well, Murphy directed, edited & produced my mental newsreel utilizing just the opposite methodology by slipping in just enough happy memories between the shiz to keep you watching the mental train wreck passing by while he sharpens the edge of the next failure to remind you of, making you wonder what went SOOO wrong or even why, not to mention eventually wondering why to even bother trying at all.

I’ve also mentioned that for some reason Sundays always seem to be my worst days for getting down & yesterday I finally figured that pattern out & it’s twofold. First of all, the latest personal failure began late one fateful Saturday evening, culminating throughout the next day SOOO Sundays have a stigma I just haven’t been able to shed. It’s like the anniversary of a loved one’s passing, whenever it comes around it hurts all over again, kind of like Valentine’s day for me…the anniversary of loosing both my mom in ’84 & also somehow totaling the happiness I had found with Sugar Bear this year.

The other side to this double edged blade comes in the fact that even working 8-12 hours on Saturdays & Sundays at the side job, they normally try to save any higher quantity runs for the weekends when I have time to see them through completely myself. During the week I’m only there 3-6 hours a night, after flying my desk job all day, so we focus on the short run orders with just a few pieces whenever possible as the majority of the parts I’ve been working on lately are just too complex to utilize for training the new guys so come the weekends, where I’ve got the longer days to give’em, I end up with the longer running, higher quantity orders so once I get the programming done & machining processes optimized I end up with 5 to 20 minutes cycle times across multiple parts, often yielding that evil idle time on my hands…once again…so here comes Murphy queuing up the newsreel & I can practically feel my soul deflating as the day goes by. I often chat with pals in FB to try & occupy my mind but let’s face it! Most of them have lives LOL! So the movie plays on. I’ve got several pals telling me the same advice over & over. Telling me I have to find my own inner motivation, figure out goals to set or things to do with / by / for myself that generate those soul smiles but that’s just not how I was raised, not how I’m wired. My soul pretty much only smiles when those I care about are happy & especially when I’ve had at least a shred of something to do with that happiness SOOO the newsreel plays on.

Now I see all of this as a good news, bad news sort of deal. At least I’ve recognized this pattern which I see as good news since you can’t fix something that’s broken if you don’t know how or why it’s broken (that’s an ENTIRE newsreel film all it’s own) so recognizing this pattern or problem at least gives the opportunity to address it BUT the bad news is that fixing it involves a re-wiring of my soul which has been a lifetime getting set in it’s ways already. The short term patch is to try & find better ways to occupy my time & mind on weekends, Sundays especially, to keep from letting Murphy run rampant in my psyche but that’s barely a longer term fix than the alcohol which I’ve recently kicked back to the curb as a bad crutch, not to mention a derailleur of my fitness goals as well.

This entire newsreel deal is the cliff’s edge, or dark side, today’s title referred to.  As the film played on all day yesterday I SUDDENLY realized that I’m sliding back into that same dead rut I rode in for 10-15 out of 25 years previously.

JRs mom keeps saying she wants to talk things over & make amends but keeps slipping up, saying old familiar crap & pulling the same old stunts now & then, killing any faith I have in the sincerity of any change she speaks of but I also realized that I’m finding myself & my heart slowly becoming calloused to the numbness once again. Slowly forgetting the absolute “joy that was” due to the pain that has followed, beginning to entertain the thoughts of just surviving, getting by, as once again being the way it’s apparently supposed to go & that, my friends, just sucks BUT having somehow crashed that previously mentioned joy, & not even knowing how, makes any hope of anything "better than numb" a VERY distant dream since I’m apparently 2 for 2, pretty much doing the same thing again only this time it was in a matter of months rather than years so the problem I face is…what’s the point of ever trying again? Yes the shared joy was indescribably wonderful but the lows have also been unspeakably saddening so I have to figure out…is numb really that bad? I know it completely & totally sucks compared to the shared joy but conversely…well y'all know how that reel of the film plays out.

Several pals have independently & repeatedly given me the EXACT same advice, saying I absolutely need to just REBOOT; to shut down, making an absolute clean break from everything & everyone involved & try again as if my life is some sick laptop that needs restarted but knowing, as Einstein so eloquently put it, that doing the same thing repeatedly but expecting different results is simply "insanity defined" makes that course of action seem basically hopeless so I just keep trudging on, hoping someday I’ll see some glimmer of hope I can zero in on & begin again to figure out how to keep Friday’s smile on my soul for more than a mere few hours.