Started to generate a new Blog, a soul dump of sorts, & got about a page into it but realized it’s not just my story to share so it ended up in the bit bucket. It held details that have brought me to this point in life but many of those points have dual ownership & I can’t, in good conscience, publish them on my own, out of the deepest respect for the co-owner.
As any of you know that have followed along this journey, it’s been quite a ride for the past year or so! I’ve often referred it to a roller coaster with the most soul enriching amazing ups combined with the most heart wrenching downs but I guess that’s just life as some know it! I believe why these ups & downs, or more specifically the swings between, have been such a wild ride for me because for 15 or so of my previous 25 years, life had been spent emotionally dead. I’d spent all those years working, raising a couple ornery sons, lost my dad to cancer, providing care for ill & elderly in-laws, having basically been nothing more than a provider in a dead & passionless life with a spouse who refused to acknowledge or discuss any problems that existed so dealing with thrills & heartbreaks lately has been something I’d forgotten how to deal with.
Finally I thought I had a plan but every corner turned hid a new obstacle, a new crisis, a new opportunity OR heartbreak & through it all it would seem I’ve managed to screw up in almost every way imaginable, mastering nearly every failure mode I’d encountered. Primarily it seems I have an incessant need to over communicate, which IMHO comes from SOOO many years with no communication, which has led to SOOO many misunderstandings & eventually meltdowns on one end or the other.
Since the last catastrophe in mid February sleep had hardly existed, 2 to 4 hours a night max, coming in about 2 hour naps before the brain would spin up again, searching for answers regarding what had gone SOOO wrong. Recently I’d taken on a second job to try knock out some debt & to occupy my swirling mind, leading eventually to a point of burnout a couple weeks ago where my conscious mind finally just caved one night, allowing my heart to be heard after all these weeks, months actually.
Seems to me that my mind had been SOOO tied up in knots trying to figure out the “what” of the final failure I’d refused to consciously consider the why! Going back to my previous life, the complete lack of communication regarding problems was THE primary frustration & finally realizing that this same issue was re-occurring once again finally led to a couple realizations on my part; first of all, I’m the only common denominator in both problems & secondly for this issue to have reoccurred after just a few months, realizing the co-owner of those previously mentioned details knows of this frustration, can only mean that I’ve managed to ruin whatever opportunities or plans that may have existed, since if there were still any hope there, this refusal to communicate issues could never have reoccurred to anywhere near such a soul wrenching level. Now as painful as all of this has been to admit, digest & deal with, it has also brought at least some relief, as odd as that may sound. I’ve finally been able to release some of the angst over the “what” & have even begun to sleep 5 or 6 hours a night (occasionally even more), sometimes even straight through, without waking in total frustration. I guess there’s also a third aspect I still have to deal with as well, that being how do I re-wire my soul, my being, who I am, to stop recreating this failure? There aren’t enough pixels in the web for that conversation so I’ll leave it as rhetorical.
I’d begun a quest to re-acquire some level of fitness in my life about 18 months ago & during the middle six, when things were hopeful for a bright & better future, that quest made tremendous progress but then has all but stalled since. Now, my renewed quest has to be, not only figuring out how to fix the errors of my ways mentally & emotionally but also to find ways to self motivate, as SOOO many have told me I need to do, rather that relying on external hope or happiness for that drive. So, the personal swirl continues, albeit different than before but continues none the less.
Regarding the quest, I started today with the “morning after” full body quivers, without having had ANY of the “night before” fun or action! Not sure what’s up with that. Punched out approximately 20 hours at the side job over the weekend, got some decent sleep, had a great time with live music & dinner both Friday & Sunday nights, took in over a gallon of water while at work daily, had a few libations downtown Friday night, only 1 (at home) Saturday night & NONE yesterday so what that was all about I have NO idea. Still managed to grind out 71,225 LBs of LBWO iron this morning but while dismounting my final station of my final set, the horizontal leg press, I turned into a 6’2” human Pez dispenser with a giant cramp radiating from the back of my skull all the way down between my shoulder blades, pulling my head nearly 90 degrees back from normal! Had to be quite a sight! I’ve had that deal once before but never figured it out then either. Oh well, just another mystery to add to the list of life LOL! Rock on pals. One day hopefully it’ll all make sense…meanwhile it’s time to stoke the fire!
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